Swagman Returns

This story ain't in Swag canon

Two men sit in a bar, one dressed in a red trench coat, and the other a man in a standard black and white suit wearing a gas mask. The man in the trench coat, Chris Pratt, and the man he is sitting with is named Swag, Swag was former global adventurer before the United Nations outlawed swag in 2019. The world governments decided to go down a path of degeneracy and hornynes. No more room for swag, and surely no more room for a Swagman. Chris Pratt looked at Swag,

“How you had us running around.” Chris said

“Me a head attached to your belt.”Chris stated

“Poor Benny didn’t take your retirement well” Chris said

“Hmph” Swag said, with pain in his voice

“Goodnight Chris” Swag said

Swag walked out of the establishment, thoughts began to fill his head,

 

World has only gotten worse since I retired. The populace has forgotten what I’ve done for them. I saved the world numerous times over. Why do the good always go unnoticed.

 

Swag decided to cut down an alleyway. In this alleyway Swag was surrounded by three men in clown masks,

“Just like the good ol’ days” Swag said

Swag reached for his side not realizing he didn’t have big iron. Swag took a few hits before he inevitably floored the three men. Swag crawled to his sewer home, and turned on the T.V. The fat news anchor reported the latest in mental health developments,

“We learned today that JT Machinima, has left the care of California state hospital” the anchor said

Jt Machinima appeared on the screen addressing the public, said he was excited to make music again.

 

Everyday I go without swag is like a cancer growing in my brain. I can’t hide from what I am and neither can he. I don’t buy it, not one bit.

 

Swag opened a closet, and was greeted by an NCR ranger outfit. Swag was no longer just swag he was once more Swagman. Swagman grabbed big iron from where it lay. Big iron in its current state could only carry three bullets. Each shot would have to hit it’s target. Swagman followed JT Machinima for days. Finally discovered he play to blow the hospital. Swagman called Chris Pratt and they got to work. The two men stood outside the hospital. Chris Pratt was geared up for battle,

“It's been what 30 years since we did this”Chris Pratt said

“We can’t expect God to do all the work” Swagman said

The two men quickly closed in on Jt who was wearing full Joker attire,

“I’m sorry but I couldn’t resist” JT said

“Stand down JT NOW” chris Pratt yelled

Swagman and Chris Pratt cleared out all of JT’s thugs. Swagman had brutalized three of them. He then moved on Jt who fired sound blasts but were weak from years of retirement. Swagman began to beat JT to  pulp,

“Nothing change what I am” Jt yelled

“Me and you both”Swagman said

Swagman then shot Jt Machinima in the face. Chris pratt stood back,

“I’m getting too old for this” Chris said

“Enjoy retirement” Swagman said, coldly

In a mental hospital sat a man in a checkered suit watching TV, Smiling at the news coverage of Swagman,

“Ring-a-ding-ding baby” He said

Swagman was adventuring the city’s alleyways looking for men in clown masks. The night had been quiet so Swagman returned to his sewer home. Swagman removed the NCR ranger helmet allowing him to speak normally. Swagman turned on the TV. The fat news anchor was back telling people about Benny appearing on tonight's talk show, to talk about Swagman.

Benny has been freed from mental care. Went mad before swag was outlawed. Benny is dangerous. Can’t follow up now, Hornyman wants to talk. Swag is the only thing that makes this world sane. Without Swag I fear what Hornyman might do.

Swagman and Hornyman met on a rooftop. Horny man was wearing an all leather jumpsuit with a blanket for a cape. On horny man chest was the wet emoji. Swagman stared at Hornyman,

“Speak”Swagman said

“Drop this crusade”Hornyman said

“If you don’t I’ll come after you” he continued

“No”Swagman said

Swagman left the rooftop, and went back to his sewer hole to watch Benny’s interview. Benny sat in a car talking to the TV host, Noel Miller,

“So, Benny right” Noel said

“Yeah Baby” Benny said

“Tell us about Swagman” Noel said

“Was my best friend, then he left me in that insane asylum”Benny said

“So now that you’re out durfing the streets what now?” Noel asked

“Kill everyone in this room”Benny said

Benny then pulled out the summoning key, teleporting away. Noel Miller was shocked as the building exploded engulfing him in flames

 Benny killed Noel Miller. Gotta put Benny away for good. Probably at a casino going to the nearest one.

Swagman arrived at the Horny casino. Benny was in the front lobby, waiting for Swagman,

“How you doing baby?” Benny said

But just then Swagman threw three swag knives at Benny. Two landed in his shoulders and on in his left eye. Benny recoiled in pain looking at Swagman,

“Are you out of your mind!” Benny yelled, hurt

“I’m threw playing Benny”Swagman said

“Ring-a-ding-ding my heart” Benny said

The two battle throughout the entire casino. Benny managed to stab Swagman 15 times in the chest. Swagman in response snapped Bennys neck partially,

“Paralysis baby, really.” Benny said

“hmph”Swagman said

“Hornyman is coming for you” Benny said

“See you in hell”Benny said,

Benny then snapped his neck the rest of the way. Swagman knew Hornyman would arrive but not so soon. Hornyman then bursted through the casino throwing Swagman to the ground. The two would battle but Swagman was losing. Horny broke 17 of Swagmans bones, and opened the knife wounds further,

“Should have listened SWAG” Hornyman said

“No, you should have SWAGGED”

Swag man then sprayed Horny man in the face with old spice swagger. Swagman grabbed Hornyman

“I want you to remember the man who made you Swag”Swagman said

Swagman then collapsed from a heart attack. The city mourned Swagmans death. In the sewers however was Swagman creating an army of Swag individuals, with Chris Pratt at his side.